TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Do You Pass The Grumpy Test?
If at least one of these pictures does not make you smile, then you are grumpy and need to go back to bed.
Did you pass?
Did you pass?
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
A Child & Her Dog
This is one of the kindest things you may ever see.
It is not known who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog.
I really miss her.
Love, Meredith
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies..' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.
Love God
It is not known who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog.
I really miss her.
Love, Meredith
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies..' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.
Love God
Sunday, 16 May 2010
The Story of The Budgie & The Cat
Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest its about who came and never left your side.
...... who is to say we can't all get on in this world?
...... who is to say we can't all get on in this world?
Friday, 14 May 2010
Curtain Poles
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain poles. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain poles!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain poles. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain poles!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Thursday, 13 May 2010
For Those Who Know Everything
FOR THOSE WHO THOUGHT THEY KNEW EVERYTHING HERE IS A REFRESHER COURSE ....
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more that seven times.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's Gum.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The King of Hearts is the only King without a mustache.
American Airlines save $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Walt Disney was afraid of Mice.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs .... but not downstairs.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S President whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'
The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more that seven times.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's Gum.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The King of Hearts is the only King without a mustache.
American Airlines save $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Walt Disney was afraid of Mice.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs .... but not downstairs.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S President whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'
The second?William Jefferson Clinton.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Speeding
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding ...Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Lady: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
I'm Gonna Be A Bear
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partly grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep, gonna be a bear!
In my next life I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partly grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep, gonna be a bear!
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Polar Bear Attack in Alberta, Canada
These pictures below are of an actual polar bear attack that recently happened.
The pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspapers say that the victim will make a full recovery.
These are quite graphic so please use caution before scrolling down to view.
The pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspapers say that the victim will make a full recovery.
These are quite graphic so please use caution before scrolling down to view.
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