How To Tell If You Are A Loser!

YEP! That would do it!

A Little Sunshine For You

I went sunshine hunting today .... look what I caught!

What Drinking Will Do To You

~ 6 beers ~~ 2 glasses of wine ~~ 2 bottles of wine ... shared of course ~~ too many margaritas ~~ 3 kamikazes ~~ 7 rum & cokes ~~ 1 large purple haze ~~ 3 martinis ~~ 1 bottle of tequila ~

If You Want ...

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mothers ...

then adopt a dog.If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...

then adopt a dog.If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ..

then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ...

then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..

then adopt a dog.BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ..

then adopt a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say marry a man, didn't you?

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Do You Pass The Grumpy Test?

If at least one of these pictures does not make you smile, then you are grumpy and need to go back to bed.Did you pass?

A Child & Her Dog

This is one of the kindest things you may ever see.
It is not known who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.

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Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:



Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog.
I really miss her.

Love, Meredith



We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.



Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies..' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:




Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.
 Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.


Love 
God

The Story of The Budgie & The Cat

Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest its about who came and never left your side....... who is to say we can't all get on in this world?

Curtain Poles

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 


On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.



On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain poles. 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. 

Then slowly, the house began to smell. 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

 Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. 

People stopped coming over to visit.
 Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.



A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

 Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. 




The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

 He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. 


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .........

 and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain poles!!!!!!




I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

For Those Who Know Everything

FOR THOSE WHO THOUGHT THEY KNEW EVERYTHING HERE IS A REFRESHER COURSE ....

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more that seven times.

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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's Gum.

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The King of Hearts is the only King without a mustache.American Airlines save $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

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Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.Walt Disney was afraid of Mice.

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Pearls melt in vinegar.It is possible to lead a cow upstairs .... but not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

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Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S President whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.